So the beta was negative, which is what I expected after all my pee stick tests. I am still glad I was testing though, I feel like I have had 2 crappy days to process it and cope, instead of one big punch in the gut with a phone call. Before I got the call I prepped myself with the following plan – if it was negative (expected) I would go for a run, have a big fucking glass of wine and take a long, hot bath. Pretty much all the stuff I haven’t been able to do for weeks. So that’s what I did. Cried, with my poor husband unable to comfort me, then laced up my shoes and went out running. So I ran, and I cried – and learned that running and crying is not the best combo while also trying to breath, I’m sure I also looked insane to people on the street, I didn’t care. It helped a little bit, allowed me to get some of the anger out and at least make my body do something in my control, since it is crap at doing the one thing I really want it to do. And then I had a glass of wine and my bath. Tonight we are going out to dinner for my husband’s birthday, he offered to cancel but I don’t want to sit here and stare at the TV. So we are going, and I will be drinking all the wine. Emailed my boss and told him that the IVF failed and that I need a day off tomorrow – I have to go in to interview someone at noon, but other than that I am going to do whatever the hell feels like it will help my body and mind.
Not sure what our next steps are but right now I am sad, and so, so very tired of this. I need some time to heal. I want my life back.