Beta was negative, no miracle and fuck you infertility

So the beta was negative, which is what I expected after all my pee stick tests.  I am still glad I was testing though, I feel like I have had 2 crappy days to process it and cope, instead of one big punch in the gut with a phone call.  Before I got the call I prepped myself with the following plan – if it was negative (expected) I would go for a run, have a big fucking glass of wine and take a long, hot bath.  Pretty much all the stuff I haven’t been able to do for weeks.  So that’s what I did.  Cried, with my poor husband unable to comfort me, then laced up my shoes and went out running.  So I ran, and I cried – and learned that running and crying is not the best combo while also trying to breath, I’m sure I also looked insane to people on the street, I didn’t care.  It helped a little bit, allowed me to get some of the anger out and at least make my body do something in my control, since it is crap at doing the one thing I really want it to do.  And then I had a glass of wine and my bath.  Tonight we are going out to dinner for my husband’s birthday, he offered to cancel but I don’t want to sit here and stare at the TV.  So we are going, and I will be drinking all the wine.  Emailed my boss and told him that the IVF failed and that I need a day off tomorrow – I have to go in to interview someone at noon, but other than that I am going to do whatever the hell feels like it will help my body and mind.

Not sure what our next steps are but right now I am sad, and so, so very tired of this.  I need some time to heal.  I want my life back.  

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19 thoughts on “Beta was negative, no miracle and fuck you infertility

  1. I’ve been waiting for this post and thinking about what wonderful, inspirational, comforting words I would send to you… All I came up with was…well, shit. Shit, shit, shit. I am so sorry. This infertility beast is exhausting and brutalizes body and mind. Drink the wine. All the wine. Take care of you. Be kind to yourself and just know that you will overcome this some way and on those days you think you can’t, this community will hope on your behalf and lift you up as much as we can. xoxo.

    • I love this, ‘Shit, shit, shit.’ is exactly what this is. My mom’s text back when I told her it was negative was ‘shit.damn.fuck’ so I think we may secretly be related. I am drinking all the wine and doing things I haven’t been able to do like go for runs and get my ass kicked in yoga and am feeling a bit better today. The outpouring of love and support from this community and my friends and family is what is getting me through. If we have learned nothing else through this it’s that we are very loved.

  2. I’m so sorry. This is terrible news and I know you’re devastated. I’m glad you’re doing things that might make you feel a tiny bit better. I’m thinking of you, and yeah, you should take all the time you need to heal and figure out what you want to do next. Everyone on here will support you. Hugs.

    • Thanks Megs. Am definitely starting to feel better, getting my life back for a bit is definitely helping. So thankful for your support and belief that this will all someday be over with a happy resolution.

    • I do think it did help to digest – the call definitely did hurt when it came, but at least being able to process it over a few days gave me the ability to think about what I need to do in the short term to heal and start to feel like myself again.

  3. I’m so furious at the universe right now. I can’t stop swearing. I’m so so very sorry. There are no words. Just know I’m thinking about you and I’m always here. Big hug.

    • Yes, the universe can definitely go f itself right now, on my behalf and everyone else out there that is experiencing their own struggles and heartbreak. There are so many out there in the community right now that are in so much pain, my heart goes out to all of us. May we all get through the holiday season intact and hopefully 2014 will be much kinder.

    • Thanks my dear. Sending hope and positive energy your way for a good beta for you on Thursday! We need more wins in this community before the year ends so crossing everything that your ‘win’ comes on Thursday.

    • It is rubbish, and I know that you are going through even more rubbish at the moment as well – so virtual hugs back at you. Let’s hope that 2014 is a better year for both of us.

  4. I’m so sorry to read this. Had my second IVF BFN a few weeks ago and know the pain so very well….was also my DH’s birthday last week…’happy birthday, still no baby’ is the shittest present x

    • It really is a shitty present, isn’t it? My husband’s birthday was Dec 9th, and we found out on the 15th, so we also had the dual joy of ‘happy birthday and merry fucking christmas – no baby for you’. Infertility is just the gift that keeps on giving…

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