Feeling a bit better

The outpouring of love from my friends and family, along with everyone in this community, has been truly amazing.  Finding a bright spot in this shit storm has been incredibly difficult, but having so many people that care so deeply about us is my bright spot.  I am not sure I wanted to go through all of this pain and suffering to realize what wonderful people we have in my life, but maybe I wouldn’t have fully realized how luck I am without this experience.  

At dinner on Sunday night we drank a bunch of wine and started to talk about next steps (with me crying at portions of the conversation at the actual restaurant – not embarrassing at all).  And here is what we came up with:

Ideal plan:

#1 – Be able to take January and a bit of February off and heal mind and body.  My husband has a club trip (sales reward trip for hitting his number) to the Bahamas in January and I would love to lose the IVF weight and really enjoy that trip.  My plan is to hit the gym and yoga pretty hard after the holidays – working out helps me be sane, and I need to feel in control of my body in pushing it back to how I am used to feeling about myself and fitting into my pants again.  Sidenote – another reason to tell infertility to fuck off – the insult to injury of gaining a bunch of wait without even being pregnant, seriously fuck that.

#2 – We said that if this IVF failed we would look into doing another cycle with my shitty eggs at CCRM (will save the tough conversation we had about potentially using my sister as an egg donor if this doesn’t work for a later post).  My family is out in Denver so it would make it easier to actually live in Denver for a few weeks that it would take to go through the retrieval and whatever happens after that.  And if we did go the route eventually of trying to use my sisters eggs, that is where we would go.  So we agreed that I would put in a request for a consultation the next day.

The reality of how this plan is actually working out:

Our plan for the holidays was that if the IVF was successful we would stay in Seattle and fly my MIL here to join us (my mom has my grandmother in Denver and my grandmother wouldn’t be able to manage all the stairs in our house).  Well, it obviously wasn’t successful, so we found ourselves scrambling to get plane tickets and all that to Denver to leave on Friday.  We had already booked a ticket for my mother in law to meet us in Denver (thinking we would re-route to Seattle if we needed to) so she is meeting us there.  We booked the tickets through the 28th and then I submitted my request to CCRM telling them that we would be in town next week if we could manage to get an appointment in over the holidays.  CCRM called me back pretty much immediately and said that they didn’t have anything next week but could get us in on the 31st.  

So we have decided to extend our trip to stay in Denver through the 31st (flying home that night, happy new year to us, goodbye and fuck off 2013) and have this meeting at CCRM with Dr Gustofson.  Any of you guys out there that have been through CCRM that have any advice on him or the overall experience – would love your feedback.  No clue what they will say, or how that will impact our ideal plan to take of January and February, but this is how it worked out, so I’m going with it as a sign that this is the step we need to take.  

Next step for today is to call our current clinic and figure out how to get our records over to CCRM before we leave for the holidays.  I’m assuming that might be an awkward conversation but maybe it won’t be too bad.  I do love our current clinic and feel like they have treated us with a ton of respect and warmth, so it’s nothing against them, but we need to try something new.  Any advice from any of you that have had to switch clinics and how you handled it would also be awesome.

That’s it for now – work has been neglected the past two weeks so I need to get back into that and try to accomplish a million things before going out of town.  Thank you again to all of you in this wonderful community that are helping to cushion the blow of this failure, without you guys I would still be huddled in a very drunk, very dark corner feeling very alone. 


9 thoughts on “Feeling a bit better

  1. Your posts always elicit a chuckle out of me. We would make a great band of bitches. My thoughts on clinic switching… it’s business. Clients come and go and simply saying that you have family in the area of the new clinic will make this process easier for you. I would totally angst about this too but in the end what are they going to do hold your records hostage? nah. Also, lightening up their patient load may get someone in sooner that may be new to this journey and we all remember how agonizing the wait to see the RE was. Here’s hoping for a great consult and a new plan!!

    • We would make a fabulous band of bitches! For sure! You were so right, clinic was totally professional and nice about it – they are sending the records over for me so I don’t even have to do it myself. And I do love that maybe me moving on might give someone a chance. I really do love my clinic and feel like they have treated me with respect and like an actual person going through something difficult.

  2. 1. I think the workout plan is a great idea. Not the weight loss part, but the “seeing my body cooperate” and the “accomplishing something I worked had for” parts!
    2. I did a consult with CCRM and it was so helpful. We did not end up using them (it was our plan if we needed IvF #4) but I got a ton of good info and ideas just from the consult.
    3. Depending on how small your clinic is, the doctors and nurses won’t even know you requested your records. I highly reccomend doing a records request in person, taking the copies with you, and mailing them yourself. That always works better for me than signing a consent and waiting for the clinic to fax or mail them.

    I am sorry that you have to make this “next steps” plan but it sounds like you are on top of things and making a good plan!

    • Thanks lady, appreciate the notes on CCRM. I’m looking forward to hearing what they have to say about our situation and what they think we could do to improve. Clinic was totally fine and helpful as well, I shouldn’t have doubted them, they have treated me very well throughout this entire process.

    • Yes, fuck off 2013! I think all of us that have had a shitty infertile year will have quite a different toast as the clock chimes midnight from the rest of the population. I am going to picture us all toasting with our large quantities of booze to the end of this year – that thought does actually make me happy.

  3. I think it’s great that you’re looking into cycling at CCRM. I think the transition might feel a little weird because they are big and some people complain about feeling like you’re a number, but whatever – the job of the RE is to get you pregnant, not to be your best friend. The fact that they are supposed to be the best with poor responders and that your family lives there making it feasible for you to spend time there makes this a no-brainer to me. And yeah, I think it’s great that you’re going to start running, etc. We lose a lot of control over our bodies in these treatments, it’s nice when we can reclaim them a little bit.

    • Yeah, I think that is totally where I am at. I do love my clinic here, and one of the things I love so much about them is that they have never made me feel like a number, everything has been respectful and personalized. And I think that has been the right fit for me to go through this and learn everything that I know now. At this stage where I am a reluctant ‘expert’ on the process I don’t really need as much handholding I don’t think – I just need them to get me pregnant in whatever way that has to happen, and as soon as freaking possible, we are not getting any younger over here 🙂

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