I was fairly OK after the actual failure of IVF #2 and the negative beta. But now I’m not. I know that logically it is all of the hormones leaving my body that are making me crash, the doctor did tell me to expect it to be worse this time because we did the transfer and had extra estrogen and progesterone coursing through my system. The other part is that I just want to be at home, we are still in Denver – we had extended our trip for CCRM on Tuesday, but coming here was a terrible idea. I am not sleeping, I am sad, and I really don’t want to talk to our engage with my family, especially my sister and her husband who are so full of drama, and I just can’t take it this year. Pretty much all family gatherings just make me want to cry, and then I do lose my shit and cry my eyes out when I get back to the hotel room. So basically I feel miserable, and I’ve also made them all feel miserable – awesome, merry fucking christmas to us all.
Here is an actual transcript of text messages with my sister just now. I should mention that we got here on a Friday and her and her husband and their 2.5 year old left the next day for the mountains for 3 days (makes a ton of sense when we had come all this way to see the family). My commentary to her texts – what I would actually like to say if I knew it wouldn’t cause a ton more drama are in parentheses. God help me if she ever finds this blog – maybe I should figure out how to password protect this later.
Sister: “You don’t have to hang out with me at all this trip if you don’t want to. There are plenty of things that I can do with my family/time if you need to work.” (What I would like to say – are you fucking kidding me – you went to the mountains for 3 days when we got here and it’s me that is not hanging out?)
My actual response: “This is not about you. It takes pretty much all of the energy I have to just get out of bed right now and try to fake being happy. I should never have come here but I didn’t realize that the crash after all the hormones would be a million times worse with the extra drugs. If I had realized that I would have stayed at home to suffer in private. We have also been here for a while and with you traveling and then everyone getting sick it hasn’t been super easy to get together so that is why I was trying to clear as much as possible from work in order to hang out tomorrow.”
Sister: “I understand that but you have to communicate this with me instead of ignoring me. I want to be there for you and support you but I can’t if you don’t let me know what is going on with you emotionally/physically. I love you and I am sorry you have to go through this.”
My actual response (because now I am pissed and I can’t hide it): “When exactly was I going to tell you this – the middle of Christmas Eve dinner? If you had asked me how I was doing I would have told you.”
Sister: “I reached out on numerous occasions asking you to come over, hang out, go to yoga thinking we could talk. I got no response from you. I do not want to fight – sorry if that is the way it came off to you and again I so wish that you did not have to go through this. (What I would like to say – see above, you fucking went out of town when we got here – and you texted me once to go to yoga when you knew it was at the same time as when we had to pick my mother in law up from the airport).
That is the end of the texting – I am done responding back to her, I’m not going to argue the actual facts or details of what has happened, she wants to think she is doing a ton to reach out to me, fine, I’m not going to change how she remembers it. She is saying most of the right things, but there are no actions that back any of this up, and she is as usual, making it about her. I have had friends at home text and call daily to see how I have been doing, and another friend here in Denver last night that offered her eggs and/or to be a surrogate if we ever needed one because she saw how much I am hurting without me even having to say anything (and I’ve only known here for a little over a year).
We are supposed to have a girls day tomorrow with my sister, my mom and I – I’m not sure there is enough booze in the world for me to make it through that. And then our CCRM consultation is on Tuesday (let’s hope I can keep my shit together for that) – and we fly home Tuesday night. I don’t know that I have ever been looking forward to getting on a plane and even going back to work as much as I do right now. Please just let me make it through the next 3 days.