I have never, in my life, been so happy to get my period. I already knew without a doubt that I wasn’t pregnant, so there was no ability for that sneaky bitch hope to sneak in, and it was just pure relief and happiness to finally get this shit started. In fact I am sitting at the airport bar right now having a glass of wine and watching the planes take off, headed for Denver.
Work has been ridiculously crazy so I’m going to do this post in bullet points to catch up.
- Yesterday morning I got up at 4 am to make a 7 am flight for a ridiculous one day trip for work to San Fran. I woke up cranky, but as soon as I realized my period had finally come, no kidding, it made my morning. I got my tired ass to the airport and on the flight, and then as soon as made it to our office there I got a conference room and called CCRM. The process to actually schedule the one day workup is not quite as easy as I had hoped. First I scheduled day 3 bloodworm with the nurse – that is happening tomorrow morning between 7 and 9. I was hoping to get the ODWU a few days later so I could just stay in Denver. Ha, once again I need to laugh at myself for being so naive, you would think by now I would know to never assume anything would be easy or the outcome would be expected. Apparently Dr G was fully booked for my entire days 5-13 so the woman said that I might have to do the next cycle. At this I tried not to freak the hell out/start crying and (I think nicely) explained to her that I had just had a 45 day cycle and I couldn’t schedule in advance since I have no clue what my body is doing. She obviously heard the tremor in my voice as she said she would find Dr G and see if we could work something out. She called me back later and it had been worked out – we have the last possible day – day 13 on the books for the one day workup. This means that I am flying out there today for basically just a blood test (which seems a little insane, but fuck it, what isn’t insane about this process at this point). I’ll be in Denver at my mom’s through Saturday morning, fly home and then my husband and I will fly back to Denver on Wednesday. At this point I’m thankful that we have a shitload of air miles and a free place to stay to make this happen.
- Everyone, everywhere, is apparently pregnant. Seriously, everywhere I go, it’s unavoidable. I’m normally pretty good at dealing with it, but maybe going on IVF #3 I am starting to take it personally.
- Speaking of pregnant and taking it personally… A woman who works for me last week was having to reschedule meetings late notice for a bunch of appointments. Her and I are pretty close, she’s worked for me for a while and I know her and her partner pretty well. She knows about all that I have been through in the past year, so she talked to me after work one night and let me know that her and her partner had decided to try to have a baby. They are both women so she confessed that she had been in and out of the office preparing for an IUI and wanted to get my advice. Most of me is super excited for them both and oddly happy to pass on my knowledge of all things reproductive technology – as I am now a bonafide expert in this area. But there is a little teeny, tiny part of me (the evil bitch part) that can’t help thinking, ‘I bet she will get pregnant on the first try while we’ve done multiple rounds of both IUIs and IVF and have nothing to show for it’. Logically and realistically I know that I will truly be happy for her (and for anyone that doesn’t have to go through this shit), but damn it is a little hard to watch. She will test any day now so we’ll see what happens.
- I want to send my love and support to Adi at The Second Bedroom, she’s stepped away from blogging for a little while to try and heal from her loss. Lady, if you’re reading this, know that we are all here for you if you need anything.
- I am emotional. Was driving to the airport at the crack of dawn and a few songs came on my Pandora that made me tear up. The first was ‘Let’s get it started’ by the Black Eyed Peas – which captured my readiness and ‘excitement’ to move onto CCRM and the next steps of this process. The next was ‘Hell on the Throat’ by Dashboard Confessional. A Calm Persistence just posted a great list of infertility songs, and in that same vein, the lyrics to this one hit me hard right now going into the unknown, the fear, the sadness and the hope of putting my body and soul through this again. So I’ll leave you with the lyrics to close out this post – and the request to my body and the universe to give me good blood test results tomorrow and rock the shit out the long process that will become IVF #3.
“Hell On The Throat”
No one said it would be easy.
I must admit I thought the risk was better waged in younger seasons,
But all these years in the cold play hell on the throat
Till everything I say burns like cinders,
Why it’s hard to belong to a girl or a song
And the crease of a strangling winter
It’s strange to be lost, stranger still to be lone
In the strings of a twisting line.
Along the way the turns are sharp,
No one said they would be easy,
I must admit I thought the trip was better in younger seasons.
But all these years in the pursuit made a man of a fool,
Till every word I say is on waver.
Why it’s hard to belong to a girl or a song
In the case of a selfish believer,
It’s strange to be lost and stranger still to be lone
In the strings in a twisting line [x2]
And when the path I have made
From the grass to the grave,
I will love you still.
And when the sand turns to glass
And all that’s left is the past
And I will love you still.