…for the most painful infertility procedure I’ve had to date is… (drumroll please)… the beta-3 integrin test!
Holy mother fucking fuckballs y’all, it really fucking hurt (apparently badly enough for me to use the term y’all in a sentence) . I thought the HSG was bad, but this was a whole other level. Somehow I didn’t google how this procedure worked or what to expect – seriously, I have googled everything under the sun about pregnancy symptoms and egg quality, but ridiculously I didn’t look this one up, so I didn’t have any expectations going into it. I did ask when we made it to the CCRM Lousville office (after driving through frozen roads after an April snowstorm) if I should take some advil before the procedure as they did have me do that before the hysteroscopy so the receptionist checked and came back and said it wasn’t necessary, so I figured it must not be a big deal.
When I went back to get the procedure Dr G told me he was going to do a shot of novocaine in my cervix so I assumed that was why I wouldn’t need any other pain meds. Apparently I have no clue what that was for (nor do I want to know) because then he said the dreaded words ‘this is going to hurt quite a bit, make sure you take some deep breaths’. And fuck, he was right. He started doing the biopsy and it went on for longer than the HSG (which also hurt like a bitch), I’m not sure if I dropped any f-bombs (knowing me, I probably did) when he was telling me that we needed to get a large enough sample so that they could run the tests. At that point I really never wanted to do this again so wanted him to get whatever chunk he needed to get this over with. He finished and it got better pretty quickly, tons of cramping but not the white hot pain of someone scratching out my insides. Unfortunately at that point I had some bleeding that couldn’t be controlled so the nurse went to get some sort of chemical spray to stop it. So while laying there I asked him if I could ask some questions – I believe with the phrase ‘while I’m hanging out here, can we talk about the next steps of my cycle?’- bet he’s never heard it quite like that before while lying on the table. I did confirm that no more booze or caffeine starting with CD1 (coming soon, I hope), although he did say I could have a glass or two in New Orleans to take the stress off. You better believe I’m saving those two glasses for the perfect opportunity. After that I had some pretty serious cramping for the rest of the day, which advil did help at 800 mg as well as a heating pad, but it was over by the next day when I had to fly home.
Other fun stuff that happened while in Denver:
- My douchebag brother-in-law after asking me about my upcoming procedure proceeded to lecture me about his friend who did IVF and how much he knew about the subject. My BIL is one of those assholes who always knows everything on every subject, and is better than you at everything, so it wasn’t surprising, but seriously? I could fucking teach a course on IVF at this point. The best part is when he told me his friend had her IVF cancelled because she had too many follicles (really?) and she did IUI with all those follicles and had twins. I have given up arguing with him so I just said ‘wow, that sounds totally different from my experience’. He is really a piece of work, deserves a whole blog post on it’s own.
- I didn’t get any drama from not going to my nephew’s birthday party. Got to see him the morning after and give him our present – a motorized ATV/car thing that he drove up and down the halls of my mom’s condo building.
- One of my good family friends had a baby a few days earlier. Seeing the baby and her was great. Going to the adorable boutique to by her a baby present was not, stupidly I didn’t realize that the entire store filled with pregnant women, adorably babies and registries would not be a good idea. My mom and I went and got a big ass glass of wine right after that.
- We went to look for purses that would work for a diaper bag for the same friend. While at the mall I looked at a very expensive LV bag that was gorgeous but too expensive as I’m shelling out thousands for IVF. I made the joke to my mom that while some women get ‘push presents’ for having the baby I felt that I deserved a fucking brilliant ‘IVF present’ for making it through this twice so far, and working on number 3. The LV shop attendant was nearby and asked if I had just had a baby, obviously not getting it. Yes lady, I just had a baby, can’t you tell? She was very confused.
I think that’s it for now. Got home from Denver last night and just went out to dinner to have a great meal and probably my last glass of wine for a while. Hoping for CD1 to come tomorrow so we can get this show on the road!