I’m Baaaaaack!



Yay for Denver IVF #3 care package!



Holy crap has it been crazy around here.  Tons to update on and tons to read and get updated on with everything going on with all of you lovelies. 

First of all want to send my deepest thank you to ‘M’ who I met at our ODWU at CCRM a few weeks back and who has grown into a wonderful friend and huge wealth of support and positivity. She sent me a lovely care package for my Denver trip in a few days, filled with well wishes and hope (see pic above).  It was a total surprise and so sweet.  M doesn’t have a blog but maybe someday she will guest blog on mine (invite is always here my dear if you want it) as she has had a heart wrenching struggle with some very tough stuff happening lately.  So thank you again M – I too am pulling for you and hope you get the good news you deserve very soon.

So where the hell have I been lately?  I’ve been at our annual work conference all last week in New Orleans.  It was nonstop – client meetings and presentations from 8 am until 5 pm and then social events until midnight.  And let me tell you – no booze or caffeine for all of that truly sucks ass (again, will be totally worth it but it still sucked).  By Friday and my last session I was completely wiped out and ready for some relaxation.  We had a room at the Ritz for the weekend and my husband surprised me with upgrading our room and setting up a wonderful massage and scrub for me on Saturday at the spa.  I used up my two free glasses of wine with some amazing food on Friday and Saturday – Restaurant August and K-Paul’s, highly recommend to anyone headed to Nola any time soon.  Flew back home yesterday and got home at around 6 and am now prepping for two huge work presentations, laundry, shipping of drugs and about a million other things before I head to Denver Thursday night.  I am a bit stressed, to say the least.  

And now let’s get to the fun part – the brilliant IVF status template that Barren Betty came up with (see last post if this makes no sense).  Here we go!

Day of the cycle: Down regulation day 26!  Halle-fucking-lujah down reg is almost over!

Total weight gain/loss: Who knows, am no longer measuring.  I ate pretty much everything fried in sight down in New Orleans, and what wasn’t fried I’m sure was covered in butter or caramel sauce.  I did walk my ass off though so maybe that helps with some of it.

Best moment this week: That glass of amazing white burgundy on Friday night with dinner, along with spending time with my husband and relaxing a bit over the weekend.

Worst moment (but also kind of the best): Finding yet another ‘one of us’.  I was out on Sunday with two women that I work with and a third that is on my team.  The first two know what is going on with me and my infertility battle, but the other one works for me and is in the Paris office, so it has never really come up.  I was talking about it and getting ready for Denver when she looked at me questioningly so I just said, ‘we’re doing IVF and this is our third round’.  I started to explain more not sure if IVF translates to French and she said that she knew what it was and has done two herself, unsuccessfully with the last landing her in the hospital with a blood clot and OHSS.  I was shocked, but also not shocked since the more I talk to people the more I realize just how many of us are out there.  She then told us that they hadn’t told anyone on earth other than her sister that she was going through this as it wouldn’t be accepted in her very catholic family.  I told her that I felt honored that she opened up to me and that I am here for her if she needs anything at all.  But it does break my heart a bit that she hasn’t been able to have a wonderful support system like the one that I have, both in my family and friends and here with you all on the interwebs.  She hasn’t been on my team for very long but I feel like we have a strong bond with this shared experience and hope that I can continue to be a support to her.

Movement: Does shoving food in my face count?  I did walk a ton in the heat down in NOLA and have the blisters to prove it.

Anything making you queasy or sick: I get a little queasy when I think of all that is to come.  The suppression check specifically has me a little freaked.  I’ve never had a problem with that phase in the past but since this is a whole new protocol the anxiety is starting to creep in.  Listening to ‘Shake it Out’ by Florence and the Machine right now and trying to take the lyrics to heart.

Fun drugs you are currently on:  Testosterone gel in the morning, estrogen at night and have added Prome.trium to the mix!  Wow is that a fun new addition, let’s just say that there is lots of not so fun discharge from that one, and I love having to lay down for 30 minutes after I stick up into the vag.

Sex: Oh hell no.  Sex is the very last thing I want right now.  I want a pizza, and wine, lots of wine.

Symptoms: Testosterone rage, wanting to eat everything in sight and now the sore boobs from the progesterone.

Wedding rings on or off: On so far, my husband was very sweet in doing a ton to make me feel better and relaxed in New Orleans.  Since we won’t see each other for a good portion of stims hopefully he will miss a large part of the crazy.

Happy or moody most of the time: Excited and anxious to get started.  Have a bit of fear starting to creep in but am trying to shove that away and have the attitude that even if we hit a setback here or there we can overcome it.

Current project: Survive work and all the other crap I have to do before I fly to Denver.  Am not looking forward to packing for that 3 week trip.  I think I prefer stimming in the winter when there are leggings and sweaters everywhere.  Will be a struggle trying to find outfits that can deal with the bloating that I’m expecting.  Last time I only wore leggings for weeks.

Looking forward to: Getting on that plane to Denver on Thursday night and making it past the first hurdle of my suppression check (see there’s that positive attitude – planning on making it past the suppression).

That’s it for now, I promise I will get through all the lovely comments and get updated with all of you ladies blogs.  And I promise to blog incessantly once IVF #3 starts for reals, as I know you are all on baited breath wondering how my follicles will do in this round!

For now I leave you with the ‘Shake it Out’ lyrics that are speaking to me right now – I know that one of you ladies had posted that this song spoke to you before one of your treatments (my brain is fried so I can’t remember right now). 

“Shake It Out”

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa




22 thoughts on “I’m Baaaaaack!

  1. Ahhhh, I feel settled knowing how you are doing. So excited to hear about Denver and how all that goes. I dunno, jean shorts are back in apparently, you could wear those. Random thought but it’s been on my mind since I went shorts shopping the other day. Late June… I am heading to Vancouver b.c. With the hubs on the 20th… I wonder if I rode the train up a day or two early and hung with you in the evening? I could see you wed night, do city shit on Thursday day while you work, see you Thursday night and then he could pick me up Friday afternoon. Or there’s the weekend of the the 14th the or weekend of July 5th which obvi isn’t late June but early July.

    • Haa, jean shorts, I highly doubt that. I’m hoping I can buy a few mumu’s and live in those and leggings, I’m already feeling the bloat from the progesterone, not a good sign. Not sure yet about the 20th – I’m headed to London on the 9th and if my husband goes with me we’ll probably stay for a week and come back on the 21st. But not sure if he is going to come so stay tuned. Will let you know as soon as I know. And I will take work off whenever we get together, no way am I going to go to work when we could be eating and drinking! And just saw that you posted, yay, that makes me happy to. Will get right over there and see what you are up to and if your asshole body is finally done with the HCG. I fucking hope so.

      • Oooh I hope he goes with you (sort of :-)) because a little getaway is always nice! We WILL meet so whatever ah apes, we will figure something out. Good luck with those leggings and mumus. Damn bloat keeping you from Jorts.

  2. Sounds like you’re in a good mood and ready to rock!! Glad that the DR nightmare is almost over.. IVF in French is FIV, so not too different. I’d be happy to grab a drink with your friend once she’s back in Paris if she feels the need to talk to someone. There’s a huge IVF/IF community in Paris, and they are pretty good with anonymity so I hope she knows about it.. But I’m sure it was already great for her to be able to talk to you! xx

    • Yes, I am glad that DR is over too, seemed to take forever. Hopefully you have gotten some good news about the biopsy by now, fingers crossed for that and I know how stressful it is, the wait to see if anything fertilizes, and then if any grow, and I can’t imagine what the next wait for the genetic testing will be. I’m doing the same thing, doing retrieval and then the genetic testing in the hopes that I have at least one good egg out there. And how did I not realize you are in Paris? Can’t believe I missed that. I love Paris, hoping to get there for work in early June. Thanks so much for the offer to chat with her, she is very shy but I’ll put it out there and hopefully she’ll take you up on it.

      • I will get results of the biopsy next week. I’m trying to hide that I’m in Paris since I had some problems with old blog in which I had been pretty obvious (childlessinparis). It was easy to find.. Let me know if you do come in June 😉

    • I know, how crazy is that? It’s been nicer in Seattle this week than Denver, which is very rare this time of year. Hope all is good with you right now as well!

  3. It’s always wonderful, but sad, to find another infertile in real life. Even though I’ve connected with hundreds of people online, it still feels lonely in real life.

    • I know, and I guess I still don’t expect it to happen, so when it does I’m always shocked at how many of us are out there. But it makes me feel good to hopefully offer some support as someone who understands. Can’t believe you are more than halfway through, hope you are doing great!

  4. It’s so good to hear from you hon. Welcome back! Glad your meeting went well and yay for DR being almost done! Can’t wait for your next update! Everything is crossed for you hon! Everything!

  5. Woah! Good luck getting ready for Denver. Love the energy, humor and lyrics from this post. Can’t wait to read the updates on your follicles. PS. I sent you a blog invite a while back, might be in your junk mail.

    • Thanks Marcy, and finally did get the invite, silly Gmail did put it in junk mail. But I’m back in and happily following along now. So thrilled that everything is going well for you!

  6. Jersey dresses and leggings are my one true love. I basically like to wear pyjamas all the time? Such a sweet care package! And yeah, I love that song. Such a good one. Glad to hear from you 🙂

    • You are a genius my friend, genius. Jersey dresses are exactly what I was missing from this whole summer bloated IVF situation. I grabbed the two that I have during packing and have a feeling that I may be shopping for a few more from Denver. I hope that your week has gotten a little bit better as well, sometimes this crap just sucks and you have to lay low/freak the fuck out – whatever helps 🙂

  7. Oh my god, I LOVED Restaurant August when we went to NOLA a few years ago. So, so good. Did you have the crab gnocchi? Gahhhh. Delicious. I love NOLA, but hot damn, it is a tough city not to drink in, so you have my sincerest sympathies. Thinking of you tonight, hope your flight is smooth and that the suppression check goes great. Sending lots of positive vibes your way.

    • Yes, isn’t it amazing? I go to August every year when I go down there with my girlfriends, it is a must go to. And we did have the grab gnocchi, and some crazy peach and goat cheese salad, and some beet and bacon thing, and I had the redfish with court bouillon – we went with some super fun friends that love to share so we tried to order as much as possible. On the flight to Denver right now – am a bit nervous about the suppression check (not sure why, maybe it’s just that I want so badly to move forward) but we’ll see what happens.

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