Headed to Denver

Hello lovelies.  I am currently at 39,000 feet finally catching up on my blog reading and comments.  Being online on the plane still geeks me out a little bit, I’m always in awe of all the technology we have nowadays.

The suppression check is Saturday morning, and I’m nervous for some reason – nervous that we won’t be able to proceed and I’ll have to go home and nervous that all those follicles we saw during the ODWU are some sort of dream and will have vanished by now.  Neither of these things are rational, there is just so much hanging on this attempt that it is impossible to not have these fears I guess.  

And now I need a bit of your help – advice and suggestions.

First – Advice.  I was introduced to a friend of a friend via email that lives near Seattle.  She’s on her second IVF and has been having a rough time so we’ve been going back and forth via email, we wanted to meet up but it didn’t really work out before me leaving for Denver.    My dilemma is this, no one in my real life knows that I have this blog (not even my husband, that is a post for another time as I’m a bit conflicted on that as well), not because I’m ashamed, but because I wanted a place where I could be 100% honest and open without consequences.  But I feel like maybe this blog might help her too since I have a ton of info on all the crap I’ve been through and maybe some of it, like the supplements, could be helpful.  I don’t think she would tell our friend about the blog (and it’s not the end of the world if this friend found out, I just don’t think she would totally get the story since she’s not in this situation) but I still worry about it maybe having unforeseen consequences.  I also for some dumb reason worry about her thinking that I might actually be a nutcase if she reads all of this.  A lovable nutcase, but I do have my moments on here.  So what do you guys think?  Send her the link or keep it to myself?

Second – send me your infertility song suggestions!  I’ve put together a playlist for IVF #3 from a lot of songs that I’ve found on your blogs but wanted to add more so I have a pretty good playlist going.  Here’s what I have so far – some of these may not seem to tie to infertility but they have little pieces that have resonated with me over the last 3 years of this process.

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26 thoughts on “Headed to Denver

  1. Whenever I see that much Ani Difranco on a straight woman’s play list I get excited and believe the world is a better place.

  2. Awesome song list! I wrote a post about The Cranberries lyrics to Dreams and how they spoke to during fertility struggles.

    About the friend of a friend… It’s a long story, but I told a few of my friends about my blog and it pretty much back fired, which is why my blog is now private. If you truly want to be able to be completely open and honest I suggest you keep your blog anonymous. You can email parts of your blog to this new friend or share with her in person, but unless you are willing to risk losing this as a safe place, don’t do it. I wrote a lengthy guest post on this topic, which you can find here.
    http://wherethebleepisourstork.blogspot.com/2014/03/guest-post-sensitive-ginger.html

    Good luck and I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way for your suppression check on Saturday!

    • Thanks Marcy, that is great advice, somehow I missed the guest post so I totally get it now. I think you’re right, I need to keep this space to myself but I can send her excerpts and links to other blogs that I have found super helpful along the way. Just added Dreams to my playlist as well, love that song! And suppression check went well, thought I was going to be delayed a few days since I didn’t get my period until today, but all was well. Fun with shots start tomorrow.

  3. Good luck at your suppression check!! Mine was Tuesday and I was really nervous too for some reason, but it all went well. I hope it’s the same case for you! I totally get where you are coming from with the “Do I or Don’t I” tell her about the blog dilemma. Really it comes down to your comfort level with your friend finding out about the blog, because it could (probably will?) happen. But what I can say is that I have shared my blog with a few friends in similar situations, and it’s amazing the positive reactions that I’ve gotten and how much they have appreciated it. I don’t really see my blog as anything more than a place to write when I have the urge, and so it always surprises me when someone else actually reads it. It’s truly an amazing feeling when something you have written helps someone else.

    • Thanks Kristen – I meant to comment on your blog as well as I totally felt the same way. Luckily it all went well and I’m cleared to start shots tomorrow! And thanks for the advice as well, I totally feel the same way, I’m always surprised that anyone is reading my rambles and so, so happy if it helps anyone.

  4. I love Willie Nelson’s cover of “The Scientist!” If you’re okay with relevant bummer, I would definitely add “This Woman’s Work” originally by Kate Bush, but I love Greg Laswell’s cover. Kate Bush wrote it for 80s film “She’s Having a Baby.”

    As far as outing yourself. You’ll immediately regret it, then cycle back and forth between altruistic justification and regret. But I agree, it would probably be a helpful resource.

    • I like bummer songs, I find them cathartic at this point. Will definitely download that and This Woman’s Work right now. And I think I’ve come to the same place with outing myself, lots of good feedback about unintended consequences and I would hate to ruin this safe place that I love so much. I think I’m just going to send her some copy and paste excerpts from what I’ve written and some links to other blogs or Stirrup Queens. Thanks for the songs and the advice!

  5. Great playlist!! I’ll have to go through my songs and see what I can send you! As for the blog question, my blog is completely public and I have to say it’s pretty scary sometimes. I really like it because I don’t have to explain what’s happening to anyone anymore, but it would be nice to just say it all when I really need to. I find I have to filter myself sometimes. I agree with MLACS, if you want to keep your anonymity and be able to say anything, I would keep it to yourself. You could send her links to other blogs who follow you and then if she finds her way to yours, she wont’ know it’s you? Just a thought.

    Saying so many prayers for you hon. Please, please let this be it!!

    • I’ve always thought you were so brave for having your blog out there so publicly. I hope I can get there someday but I like the idea of sending her links to other blogs and maybe copy and paste some excerpts from mine for now. And thanks for the prayers, definitely need them right now, I hope this is it too!

  6. Good luck, hope all goes well!
    On the sharing…I think if it will make you feel you have to censor in any way then I wouldn’t do it. If you think she’ll be fine and keep it to herself then it could really help her. My friends know I have a blog, I just don’t let them read it!! And if she’s on the second round of ivf she’s probably already a bit crazy too 😉
    One of my favourite ivf songs is ‘not giving in’ by Rudimental. ..They probably haven’t made their way to US but are on YouTube xx

    • I found ‘not giving in’ on iTunes, yay! And I’ve come to the same conclusion, keep it to myself for now especially during this process so I don’t have to censor. But hopefully I can take some excerpts that are helpful and just the support I’m hoping will be good for both of us. And I hear you about May – we started trying in May 3 years ago as well (my birthday is in a few days) so it makes me reflect on just how long it’s been that we’ve been going through this.

  7. If you trust your friend, then I would give her your blog address. You could also suggest other blogs you like if your don’t want to share yours.
    Good luck for tomorrow! xx

    • Thanks, it went well today thank goodness! Think I will start with some excerpts from mine and other links to start and see how I feel about it from there. Appreciate the advice.

  8. I had a similar sort of dilemma with a friend of mine who is struggling with IF. My blog is done anonymously for the same reason, so I can be totally honest without having to worry about what people in my life will think. I ultimately shared the link with her and swore her to secrecy. It’s worked so far.

    • Thanks, appreciate the advice. I think I’m going to hold off a bit and get to know her more, since I don’t know her that well I don’t want to risk my safe haven just yet 🙂

  9. I dig the song list. I would add show tunes to it but that’s a pretty specific love it/ hate it genre. Good luck with the suppression check. I will be thinking about you. I know it’s stressful. As for the friend… I say don’t do it. Help her discover other blogs that might be helpful but I wouldn’t tell her about your own. I have real life people that read mine and sometimes I feel uncomfortable posting certain things. My husband knows about mine but doesn’t read it which I appreciate. I am not sure he could find it of he wanted too… Take care, let us know how the check goes… Xoxoxox!!

    • I like show tunes! And I’ve come to the same conclusion about the friend, at least for now. We’ll see if I change my mind in the future. Check went well even though I hadn’t gotten my period yet when I went to it – but no cysts and bloodwork is good so starting fun with needles at 7:30 am tomorrow! Woo hoo, never thought I would get this excited about poking myself with needles.

  10. Regarding the first question, it’s a tough call. It obviously does impact what you say when people you know IRL read your blog (my blog predates my infertility, so I do have some old readers who are real life friends). For me, having real life people read my blog has actually been a nice experience. I think it’s helped them help me on this journey. And Jeeves obviously reads my blog, and I think that’s been good for us as well. But I know there are plenty of people who have had the opposite experience. I guess my final 2 cents is that it would be fine to share it with her, I don’t think she’ll find you crazy or weird (she’s an infertile too – she’ll get it). But if you’re having an hesitation, perhaps wait.

    Songs! The songs I listened to most on my subway rides uptown during my first 3 IUIs were “Everything in its Right Place” (Radiohead), because I too felt like I woke up sucking a lemon most of those days; Tame Impala’s “Enders Toi” (because it kicks ass) and “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards” (for obvious reasons); and Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations.” For my final cycle, I stopped listening to anything that made me feel anything but calm, happy, and chill, which means I basically only listened to Brightblack Morning Light (especially the 2006 album) – total mellow hippie band that has happy memories for me because my husband and I listened to this album a lot when we were first dating. I would listen to that on the subway and do deep breathing before and after RE appointments.

    Thinking of you, hoping tomorrow’s suppression check is awesome. I know you’re scared. Deep breaths.

    • Thanks Megs – I think I’ve decided to wait for now, I don’t know her very well and would like to actually meet her in person before I decide. If it feels right from there I will share. And yay for songs! Am going to add all of those right now to my playlist – also downloaded Circle + Bloom tonight – not sure if it will be totally ‘me’ but figure I’ll try anything at this point. Suppression check went well (even though I didn’t get my period until tonight) – all cleared to start fun with shots and needles in the morning!

  11. You are going to have such nice weather in Denver this weekend! You missed the crazy weather last weekend! I just have to say that the only way to keep a secret is NOT to share it. Once you set information out into the world you have no control over where it ends up. Maybe you could just direct her to wordpress and the plethora of “helpful” blogs here! Great playlist BTW. I’d add Scar Tissue by the Chilli Peppers… hoping for a great suppression check!

    • Yes, it’s been great since I got here! Last week we had fab weather in Seattle and my mom was telling me how crazy it is here. It’s pretty rare in the spring for Seattle to be nicer than Denver for sure. And I think I’m going to hold off, at least for now, maybe I’ll reconsider later but would hate to lose my safe haven here on the internets. And thanks for the song – great addition!

  12. I am so glad you asked this blog question. I recently had a friend who was trying to be supportive ask how my blog is going and ask for me to send the link. My fiancé and closest friends now about the blog but have never seen it. They just know it is some cathartic place that I go to unload my anger, grief, joy (ha), etc. So, I thought about your dilemma and my vote is NO. Do not share the blog. I decided not to share my blog. It is this amazing outlet that helps me and helps other (which I am still shocked by). It is really true that people will never truly understand this infertility journey unless they are living it. Even though your friend may need this support and information I think it is only fair to you that you put yourself first and keep this lifeline for yourself. Whatever you decide I hope it turns out for the best for you.

    Love the playlist idea…I am going to copy your idea and pick a playlist. I’ll share what I think of if it us still relevant once I sit down to do it. Good luck!

    • Thanks lady, that’s where I’ve ended up as well. And I’m totally with you, I’m always shocked that people actually read what I write, and it’s the best feeling ever when I can actually help someone. And copy away, can’t wait to see what yours ends up looking like!

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