So today is my birthday.  I am 36 years old today.  Officially ‘advanced maternal age’.  I’m not sure how I feel about this birthday, on the one hand I’m pissed that we started trying for a baby this month 3 years ago.  I cannot believe I’ve been doing this for three years with nothing to show for it – one year on our own and then the last 2 years doing infertility treatments, holy shit this has been my life.  I don’t reflect on it in terms of months or years very often but when I do it always shocks me of how much this has become my reality.  

On the other hand I’m kind of meh about it, I had a fine day, did my shots in the morning, and then 7 hours of straight meetings from my mother’s living room, fun times.  But then had a lovely dinner with my mother, my sister and a dear friend that moved here from Seattle.  It was sunny and celebratory, I even had a few sips of wine and some great mocktails (I still really, really miss wine though).  So that’s it, another birthday come and gone – wasn’t the best I’ve ever had, but wasn’t the worst either.

Have a pretty packed couple of days – first monitoring appointment tomorrow (come on ovaries, you can do it!) and then another birthday dinner with some childhood friends tonight and tomorrow.  There is also another lovely lady who I connected with via this blog who is flying out tonight from Seattle to go to CCRM.  I am super excited to meet her so that should be fun to have her here going through all of this at the same time.

And now onto the fun part – here’s my full update for today!

Day of the cycle: Stims day 3

Total weight gain/loss: The bloat, it is a coming.  I can feel myself expanding with the shots and I am ready with long skirts and wrap dresses (thanks Adi for that idea).

Best moment this week: Getting the all clear from the suppression check to start stims

Worst moment: Went to get a pedicure and manicure (without polish, buffing only going by the It Starts with the Egg book to not have nail polish formaldehyde and all that).  The woman didn’t seem to get why I didn’t want polish so I told her that I was doing IVF.  Should have kept my fucking mouth shut.  She went on and on about how my husband should eat oysters and bone marrow – apparently that will just solve this pesky infertility problem, I kid you not.  I remained cool and composed (this was before I started stims) but holy shit, the things people say.

Movement: Did two yoga classes with my sister on Friday and Saturday after suppression, felt like that set me up nicely to go into stims. Now since I can’t do anything I’m just trying to walk after I shoot up the Menopur in the morning and listen to my playlist.  Seems to help my mood and start the day off nicely.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope, so far the side effects are pretty mild, hopefully they stay that way.

Fun drugs you are currently on:  2 vials of menopur in the morning (burns like a motherfucker but a little less so if I swirl it for a few minutes to mix before injecting), 300 IU of Gonal-F, 0.40 of Saizen (HGH) and Dexamethasone (steroid).  

Sex: Seriously?  Is there anyone that wants sex at this stage in the game, if so you are a better woman than I.  I still just want food and wine.

Symptoms: Mild headaches, having a hard time going to sleep at night and not sleeping well

Wedding rings on or off: On, it’s been nice to be here and be taken care of by my mom so far.  Husband is flying out on Saturday, I’m sure by then I will be nice and crazy so we’ll see how that goes.

Happy or moody most of the time: I actually feel pretty zen so far – we’ll see if that lasts after I over analyze everything at the first monitoring appointment tomorrow.  I’m doing circle + bloom as well as acupuncture here (love the acupuncturist, she was suggested by CCRM) so that seems to be helping along with the walks and playlist.

Current project: Make it through every day.  Work is a little insane right now so attending meetings remotely and juggling that is proving to be difficult.  I have a ton of support at work though, so if I have to drop everything and go to an appointment they have my back.  Have a feeling I will have to pull back some next week when we get closer to retrieval.

Looking forward to: First monitoring appointment tomorrow and seeing how everything is looking.  Will let you all know how it goes and thanks so much for all the well wishes – it feels like I have a badass lady infertile army cheering me on here!



44 thoughts on “Birthday

  1. Ugh – the woman at the nail salon. SO ANNOYING. So sorry that happened. Are you seeing Jane for acupuncture? She works with lots of CCRM patients and she is FANTASTIC. Hang in there and good luck.

    • I’m seeing Carolyn at Acupuncture Plus – she’s also in the list from CCRM and she is a few blocks from my mom’s house so super easy. So far she has been great as well, really impressed with her knowledge and I think (hope) it’s helping my bloating and anxiety. Thanks for the well wishes!

  2. Happy Birthday!!! Will have to celebrate. It looks like I am on the same protocol with Saizen. Did you use that before?

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’m glad you managed to have a nice day despite being in the middle of treatment. I know what you mean about the years… I found the 3 year TTC marker pretty tough. 3 seems like an awfully long time, and now I am zooming upto the 4th year. Can hardly remember the excitement of starting, seems like a dream.

    That lady in the salon sounds like a moron. I hate unwelcome, stupid advice (even if it’s well meaning, it’s still annoying).

    So much good luck for the monitoring appointment xxx

    • Isn’t amazing how slow and how fast time goes? I cannot imagine at the beginning of this being here for 3 years, but here we are. So thrilled with your number 13! My monitoring is going well too (although my issue is getting those eggs to fertilize, so slowly getting nervous about that). Will be thinking about you on Monday – it’s getting close for both of us!

    • Thanks! It’s nice to be here in Denver with the family for this (although I wish the storms would stop, I really would like some normal Denver sun). So glad everything continues to go well for you!

    • It does suck, on the one hand it’s gone so quickly and on the other – 3 years. How the hell have we been living life like this for 3 years. I am so very gutted and sorry about your BFN – it all really fucking sucks. Take care of yourself and will be thinking of you.

  4. Happy birthday! Try not to think about the advanced maternal age thing – I learned awhile ago that the age they set is kind of arbitrary and has to do with how, back in the 70s, they set it at that age because your risk of having a baby with a chromosomal defect was equal to the risk of miscarriage with amnio. It really means nothing anymore. You’re doing great, lady. Just keep swimming! Can’t wait to hear about the check today.

    • Thanks! Check went well – I’ve been trying to work full time remotely while out here and go to a million doctor’s appointments so just finally getting back to blogging. Very happy that it’s the weekend and I can relax a little bit before next week gets here :). Hope your ultrasound went well and so excited for you that he’s almost here!

  5. Happy Birthday!! Keeping fingers tightly crossed for a great retrieval! I’m headed there tomorrow for my transfer. Will be sending out special ‘geographically proximate’ vibes to you from there :))

    • Thanks! I hope your transfer was perfect and wonderful – I was there for a ton yesterday, who knows, maybe out paths crossed :). Sending you happy thoughts as well for that embryo or embryos snuggling in for a good 10 months!

  6. Happy belated birthday! I know how you feel hon. When I turned 37 in January, I realized I was 32 when I became pregnant with my son and now 4 1/2 years later, I still have no living children. It’s so hard to wrap one’s head around it all sometimes, BUT 36 is still very young and I feel so good about this cycle for you. May this be it and may 36 be your year!

    P.s., that oysters/bone marrow suggestion is so ridiculous it’s funny! Everyone has the answer! It’s so annoying! Good for you for keeping cool. You’re amazing!

    • Thanks lady – it is hard when you examine how much time we have all spent in this situation. I am so, so, so very excited and hopeful for you that this is it and thrilled to see your pregnancy continue to go well!

  7. Happy birthday!!!! Looking forward to hearing how those smart, lovely, funny, assertive, ambitious, high functioning ovaries are doing tomorrow! Do you hear me ladies?! 🙂

    Oysters and bone marrow… fuck her.

    Are you falling asleep during Circle + Bloom…

    • They are hearing you so far! Let’s hope they are growing some fabulous fucking eggs that WILL fertilize and grow to day 5! Last night I did fall asleep to Circle + Bloom, the other nights I haven’t been going to sleep very easily (I think because of the steroid I’m taking right before bed).

  8. Happy belated birthday! Grow follicles grow and give Smile the best present she could ever dream of. Every milestone of infertility stings. Hugs.

    • Thanks! So glad that you continue to do well (although the farmhouse idea does sound pretty daunting, agree with you there) and that you get the courage to wear those maternity clothes to work very soon 🙂

    • Thanks. So sorry to hear about your latest news, this journey can be so, so very cruel. Take care of yourself and I hope that your period comes soon so that you can move on.

  9. How was monitoring?? Wondering what’s going on and thinking of you my dear! If it’s good, let’s cheer (and I will drink some wine for you) and if it’s bad, I want to be here for you (and drink some wine for you). Hope you are hanging in. Big hugs and shit. xoxo.

    • I am an idiot to try and work full time remotely while doing this so haven’t had any time to post or do much more than go to the doctor, shoot up, eat and sleep with the work crap. But monitoring is going well – have somewhere between 17 and 19 follicles (yay) but got the reminder today that we still don’t know if my egg quality is better so hopefully all those supplements did some unicorn magic. Retrieval is tentatively Wednesday or Thursday and I CANNOT WAIT. Wish I could make this weekend go faster. How about you? Is that crappy hcg finally back to zero yet?? Will hopefully do a full post with all my gory deets later today.

      • Glad its going well and I will keep my fingers crossed for good quality! My hcg? Oh he’ll no. It was at 26 about 18 days ago and yesterday it was at 18… at thus rate ut will be at 0 in July. So irritating. I also seem to have had 2 periods which the doctor is perplexed by a bit. That makes me a bit nervous that something is up. Whatever, shooting for a September transfer… I have got to be back at 0 by then right?!?! Thinking if you lady!!

      • Fuck. That. Do you hear me HCG? It is time for you to be gone. Looks like I will not be in Europe now on the 20th but I instead have to be in San Diego that weekend for another work trip. And then we’re going to Whistler for the 4th of July (we go every year). What does the rest of July look like for you? Apparently it’s going to be 8-12 weeks before I would do a transfer (please, please let us get embryos that go to day 5 and are normal) so we have plenty of time to get together before the both of us are transferring our future babies 🙂

      • Yay, I’m saving your email for tomorrow after the call – just in case I need some good news (or if I get good news to add to the happiness).

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