Two

I am back from my travels for a bit.  Got home from Europe and then 24 hours later got on another plan to San Diego for a work meeting all last week.  Was hoping this update would be full of fun pictures from my travels as well as the story of meeting the lovely and amazing Kiftsgate in Paris (highlight of my trip).  But apparently that update is going to have to wait, as we received The Call while in San Diego.  Of course it came right in the middle of a meeting that I was in and about to present during so I had to step out for a bit, find paper, and hear what Dr G had to say.  And it comes down to this.  When we got 7 to actually make it to biopsy and freeze I somehow forgot Rule #1 of Infertility Fight Club, and I quote “Do not let Hope anywhere near you, she will cut a bitch.”  I had somehow let myself imagine that we would have maybe 3 or 4 embryos that might be normal and then I could breathe a little easier and let off some of the pressure thinking we may be able to do more than 1 transfer if the first one didn’t work – see Rule #2 of Infertility Fight Club – “You can have a perfect embryo and still not end up with a baby”.  Something that I know happens from multiple stories from our community, so I have no illusions that CCS testing is a guarantee, there are no guarantees with any infertility treatment.

But that was not to be.  We have 2 normal embryos, 2 that I am incredibly grateful for as it could have been 1 or 0.  One of them is of meh quality – 4BC, and the other is a high quality – 5AB.  I asked him if this was what he was expecting and he said no, that at my age he would expect around 4 normal embryos, so this does confirm for him that my eggs are shit (not the term he used), and that it’s likely why we have not gotten pregnant naturally or via science in the past 3 years.  

Dr G said that in his mind we had two options – one, go forward with an FET and transfer both embryos (he didn’t have high hopes for the 4BC) or two, if we think we want to have more than one child, do another round of IVF now while my eggs are still at this ‘age’.  And honestly all I could think there was ‘how do I know if we want another one, we don’t even have one yet’ and ‘holy fuck, I don’t know if I can do another round of IVF for retrieval right now, it’s just not in me.’  So the husband and I talked it over with lots of wine in San Diego over the weekend and decided to go forward with the FET and transfer both normals.  Called CCRM today to confirm and begin the process – if I get my period like a normal person (ha) we are looking at the transfer being at or around August 19th.  I am scared shitless that this won’t work, that we will have done the last 6 months for nothing, but I am trying very hard to put that out of my mind and just believe that this can happen.  That this will happen.  

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24 thoughts on “Two

  1. I’m in the same place you are -just got my biopsy results. So hard to believe you do all this work and only a get a few normal embryos, while fertiles score on one shot…

    • Just caught up on your blog as well – happy to see that you ended up with 4. And totally agree, is any number ever enough though? Also agree on the PGD, wish I had done it with the second round so that we could have confirmed sooner that my eggs are shit instead of transferring and hoping for the best.

  2. There is this cycle that happens with infertility and it goes like this: hope for a baby, no fucking baby, decide to never hope again, try and deny human nature and feel hopeless for a while, hope seeps in and then the bitch does cut you. It’s a total mind fuck. We have to have hope because we just have to. I don’t know why it always comes back a little but but it does… Cheers to two embiesi!! Two does not equal zero. Also, I usually score pretty average on tests and shit and I turned out fucking awesome so that 4bc might just be perfect. Xoxo!

    • Such a mind fuck (and ridiculous that I just responding to this comment now). And I can’t wait to meet your fucking awesome self tomorrow afternoon!

  3. Wow you sure are a busy lady! Hope you have been able to get some rest in there. I know you were hoping for more normal embryos hon, but regardless of whether you transfer one now or two, it’s still two chances. I’m sending you and those embies so many prayers and all the positive thoughts I have. Please, please let this be it!

    • Thanks my dear. So thrilled for you that things continue to go well, I need to get back to commenting, but I have been following along with all of your posts. And appreciate your continued support and prayers and positivity. I definitely need those at times when this gets hard.

  4. wooow, I’m flattered: I’m a highlight! 🙂
    It was lovely meeting you in person. I just feel bad you had to bear with my, my stress and sadness.. and thanks again for your support! Hopefully next time it’ll be better!
    I think it’s a good choice. And one super embryo is already a good result, even if your doctor would have liked to see more. I really really hope that this time it’ll work! xx

    • You are such a highlight! And I have been there myself, was honored to be with you during such a tough day. Just got updated on your latest as well, sending hope and love and everything over to you (I think you should be in Japan by now or close to it so sending to both Paris and Japan)!

      • I’m still in douce France. Luckily, because there’s a typhoon in Japan at the moment. I’m hoping it’ll be over by the time I arrive. Thanks for the love and hope! xx

  5. Totally jealous you’re enjoying wine in San Diego. It’s my favorite place on earth! In fact, if I can convince my husband, I’ll live there someday. We shall see…

    I’ll be sending many thoughts and prayers your way for a successful cycle. I completely understand the fear of going through a lot and not getting out of it what you’d hoped. That said though, you’re way ahead of many, knowing the embryos are normal. And, I’ve heard many times that even the not so great quality embryos turn into perfectly healthy take home babies. So let’s think positive!

    • Thanks! San Diego was lovely, both the weather and the wine. I am getting closer to positive each day, I think it just takes me a while to get there. Hopefully by the time of transfer I will be brimming with positive energy for those two little embryos.

  6. I have a 4BC and a 5AB on ice as well. Weird. Having said that, my friend transferred 2 normals, a 6BA and a 4BC, and only the 4BC stuck. She’s 36 weeks pregnant now.

    • How funny, let’s hope that both of our 4BC and 5ABs get us out of this infertility roller coaster. And thanks for the good story about the 4BC – gives me some hope for that little guy or gal. Loved your last post as well – I think I am getting close to being a professional at this as well. Someone asked me about my hobbies the other day and I literally almost said IVF. Sad but true.

  7. Also, I was amused by this phrasing, and holy crap it’s so true:

    Rule #1 of Infertility Fight Club, and I quote “Do not let Hope anywhere near you, she will cut a bitch.”

    • Thanks my dear. Am super behind on twitter and posts but did see that your latest ultrasound went well, so that definitely makes me happy 🙂

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