Wow. It’s been forever since I posted. The last couple weeks of my life have been pretty crazy for work and finally a lovely vacation and some downtime. As I am not creative/I am lazy I’m going to section out this update into fun titles with super fun bullet points. When I last left off I had just gotten the OK but not great results of our genetic testing so I’ll try to update a bit before and what has happened since.
Paris and London and Home again
- After I was in London for work I took the chunnel train over to Paris. I LOVE the chunnel – it is the ideal way to travel, show up 45 minutes ahead of time, get in a comfortable seat, drink rose, and end up in Paris. Really wish I could travel that way everywhere.
- Made it to Paris for a full day of work and drinks and dinner with my team, did a little sightseeing as well after dinner
- On Saturday I got to meet up with the amazing and wonderful Kiftsgate. She was so kind to show me around the city on a day that was a very tough one for her, waiting out her beta results and very sadly getting some bad news at the end.
- Here are a few pictures from the trip:
- Got home from Europe and had approximately 48 hours with days full of meetings before getting on another plane to San Diego for yet another work trip
- You guys know what happened there – we got the call that was not terrible news but not great news, I drank a bunch of wine/margaritas and went on a few runs to try and get my mind around what needs to happen next.
- Got home for 4 (longest stretch yet!) days from San Diego and started preparing for an actual vacation.
- Our first 4 years in Seattle we lived in a small condo in a very lively neighborhood in the city. We failed to really think about the fact that Seattle housing very rarely has air conditioning, it would actually be hot for the 4th of July (as hot as it gets here), and we lived 3 stories above a hipster bar. So our first 4th was comprised of assholes shooting off fireworks, lighting themselves on fire and all kinds of drunk reveling. We had two dogs at the time (one passed away last year right before IVF disaster #1) and they both were awake and miserable all night, so we were miserable all night. At one point we looked at each other and had this conversation “Canada is close to Seattle, right? We are definitely fucking going to Canada next year.” So every year for the 4th, being the good Americans that we are, we go to Canada.
- Whistler is an amazing town, super walkable, lots of hikes, lakes for the dog to swim in, kayaking, and fabulous bars and restaurants.
- I got a lot of time to really get my mind wrapped around our current situation and start to prepare for this FET (see below). I didn’t realize how much I needed a break, a break from work, a break from technology, and the luxury of some time to both push my body physically and relax my mind.
All the crying
- Got back to work on Monday and a woman that I am very close with IM’d me to see if I was free for her to stop by my office. I met her at work a little over a year ago and she has become a wonderful friend outside of work. She has texted me every week during our IVF cycles and has been so supportive. She sat and cried with me over a lunch that turned into drinks during a particularly bad day after the failure of IVF #1. She is funny, and kind, and just a beautiful person all around.
- She is also one of the last of my married friends to get pregnant and she and her husband had been trying for almost a year. I have lent her books and all of my copious amounts of advice (as I am now an expert in the whole trying to get pregnant thing). I was starting to get a bit scared for her that she would end up like me, and was truly (no bullshit) hoping that she would get pregnant and not have to go through all of this.
- So she comes up to my office and asks me what the latest is from the genetic testing. So I tell her the results, and that they give us hope, but that they aren’t the greatest and that they confirm that my eggs are crap. So she then starts crying and tells me that she is pregnant and that she wanted me to have the best news ever so that we both can be happy. So then of course I start crying, and not out of envy, but out of love and sadness that she was afraid to tell me and that she felt guilty about succeeding where I can’t seem to.
- It was a first for me, to have gotten this far down the path that people are pulling for us so much that they feel a tinge of sadness and guilt over their own joy. Not a milestone I ever wanted to get to, and a ‘first’ in my infertility struggle (side note – I feel like we should get badges or points to go towards infertility drugs or something for each ‘level’ that we make it through in this shit show). But I definitely do feel blessed to have people like her in my life that may not understand this struggle but that are pulling for us with all their hearts.
- I had a lot of time to think over vacation. My husband kept telling me to ‘Be Positive’ and that we have at least the best shot we’ve ever had at this. But my fear overwhelms my ability to just be positive and somehow trust that this will work. Who knows if I would have felt the same way with 4 normal embryos, maybe I would have. It’s similar to when we first started the IVF process and I had a lot of anger and some grief at the fact that we were actually infertile and that having a baby would not be about a bottle of wine and some luck. And I think that is a bit of where I am now, we have been trying for 3 fucking years, 2 of those doing multiple rounds of infertility treatments – IUIs and IVF cycles. I am just so very tired of this being my life, and the thought of this round not working and this being my life for another year just makes me tired and angry all at the same time. Slowly I am getting over those feelings, and I am processing the fact that we have more than zero, which is much more than a lot of wonderful ladies out there, and that the chance alone is something to be thankful for. Every day I feel more positive and a shade more confident that this can work out for us. By the time we get to the FET I will be so fucking positive that I will have rainbows, glitter and unicorns shooting out of my vagina. I mean really, what embryo would turn down that magical of a ute?
What’s happening now
- My body is not a wonderland. It is an asshole. Pretty sure I stole that line from another blog, but it is so apropos that I can’t help it. It is cycle day mother fucking 30 and I’m pretty sure I haven’t ovulated yet as I’ve been peeing on sticks for weeks with no positives in sight. When we got our tentative FET calendar the transfer was penciled in for August 19th. My grandmother’s birthday, at the Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs, is August 15th. So I had this lovely plan of flying out there, going to that, and then getting all good and knocked up. That plan relied on me getting my period in 2 days. Ha, you think I would learn by now not to hope for anything in this to go as planned. Yeah, don’t think that is happening. So now I will get to fly to Denver twice in the month of August – thanks a lot asshole body for wasting even more time and money. You had better pay me back by actually producing a living baby out of this transfer.
- Work – my company decided to do a huge re-org this morning. Awesome, I definitely needed another stressor in my life right now. It is all going to be good, but I have a new boss starting next week. He and I have a great relationship and it will be a fantastic opportunity for me to learn from him, but some stability right now would be nice. And my old boss, who I’ve been with for 5 years, knows all about our struggles with IVF and my trips to Denver. Can’t wait to go through that awkward conversation again with the new boss and then go out of town for a few weeks for the FET.
- Tomorrow I am going out of town again (yes, I know, I sound crazy at this point) – but for a kickass and amazing reason. I am meeting Failing Baby Maker in Oregon wine country! We are going to drink and eat and laugh and talk and probably cry a bit for the next couple of days. I am so very, very looking forward to it.
That’s it for now – if you have made it through this long and rambling post you deserve a few points towards your infertility drug bill. I am so very far behind on catching up on blogs and commenting, , so apologies for that, I hope to be caught back up and into a somewhat normal routine after all the Oregon wine drinking and will definitely be catching up with everything going on in the blogosphere!