Holy shit y’all. I’ve been on lupron before, and I’ve been on estrogen before, but this is my first go at being on them at the same time. And I am now fucking crazy (apparently crazy enough to use the term y’all in a sentence). My life goes like this – most moments I am either uninterested in most things other than making it through the next couple of weeks, or I am consumed with rage. Literally, rage. Here’s a fun example.
I went to the dentist about 2 weeks ago in my ‘preparing that this is going to work’ and got my checkup and two minor cavities filled. My husband and I were in the bathroom on Saturday night getting ready for bed and I was flossing. And it hurt like a motherfucker. So I get incredibly angry at this and go off on a huge rant about how this is going to make us have to cancel the transfer, and what if I’m infected, and holy shit all I was trying to do was get everything ready and now it’s going to completely backfire! I am literally screaming at this point. Not crying but yelling at the top of my lungs, and of course my husband is trying to speak logically to me, and I just yell at him that I don’t want fucking logic, I want my teeth to be OK and not ruin everything! Eventually I just told him that he needed to leave the room. I am laughing thinking about it now, but I don’t know where this comes from, I am not a dramatic person typically! And there are multiple other meltdowns like this – luckily at work I just keep everything inside my inner monologue but really, I should not be around people right now. I have a follow up dentist appointment on Friday, hoping that the pain is normal or nothing like an infection and has no impact on the transfer. If it is a bigger issue than I will literally lose my shit and I apologize in advance for anyone anywhere near me.
We are at 14 days and counting to the transfer. Work is really awful right now, tons of planning for the next year and just overall stress and lots of executive meetings. Every day I basically have the mantra of just getting through the day and getting out of August. Not sure that work will magically get better in September, but I am taking the transfer week off, so if it’s not better at least there is not much I will be able to do about it, this is more important. And my new boss doesn’t know what I’m going through – I’m up for a big promotion and didn’t want that even subconsciously being in his mind. I just wish I could have gotten through September with my old boss – he knows everything and I can talk openly about wanting to kill people as well as getting some slack with everything going on. So yeah, stress, at least I don’t believe in the ‘relax’ theory, but I do wish my life was a bit less hectic right now. Oh and at a meeting this morning the woman next to me mistook me for someone else and asked me how my maternity leave and new baby was! Luckily that was not a moment of rage and I was in my other mode of uninterested / not giving a shit so I just laughed and said I think you are thinking of someone else.
On Sunday we are DRIVING to Denver. Yes, driving. This may turn out to be an awful idea, my poor husband being stuck in a car with me for 20 hours. We’re driving because I want to be at CCRM for them to monitor me and I don’t want to have to ask someone to take care of our dog for that long (and I feel like having him with me on bed rest will be a comfort) and my husband wants to be there with me for the whole time. Which is very sweet of him, but with all my cray cray I think it might have been better for my sanity for me to just go and him join me before the transfer, but I can’t say that to him without hurting his feelings, so there we are. We’ll see if he regrets it after we do the drive together with me being insane. I have my first lining check and blood draw tomorrow at the clinic I don’t love here in Seattle, and if we get the all clear, I want CCRM doing the next one and everything up to the transfer, similar to what we did with the retrieval. Obviously this is made easier since I have family in Denver, and between family and lovely friends (my mom’s place is too small for the husband, large dog, me and mom to be there all at once so one of her friends is out of town while we are there and has offered her condo), definitely makes it easier than a hotel for 12-14 days.
So that’s it for now. Will post a short update after my appointment tomorrow with the latest. Before I go I wanted to ask a favor of all of you ladies out there. A wonderful, kind, and amazing woman that I met through this blog and then at CCRM (we’ll call her M) has her beta tomorrow. She has had some very bad luck with her donor egg experience and is not feeling so hopeful for tomorrow, and I’m hoping with all of my heart that she gets some amazing news at her beta. If you could send positive vibes, juju, prayers or just keep her in your heart tomorrow I would greatly appreciate it. M – if you’re reading this I’m thinking of you and hoping and sending all the positive energy that I have your way.