Lupron + Estrogen = me being bat shit cray cray

Holy shit y’all.  I’ve been on lupron before, and I’ve been on estrogen before, but this is my first go at being on them at the same time.  And I am now fucking crazy (apparently crazy enough to use the term y’all in a sentence).  My life goes like this – most moments I am either uninterested in most things other than making it through the next couple of weeks, or I am consumed with rage.  Literally, rage.  Here’s a fun example.

I went to the dentist about 2 weeks ago in my ‘preparing that this is going to work’ and got my checkup and two minor cavities filled.  My husband and I were in the bathroom on Saturday night getting ready for bed and I was flossing.  And it hurt like a motherfucker.  So I get incredibly angry at this and go off on a huge rant about how this is going to make us have to cancel the transfer, and what if I’m infected, and holy shit all I was trying to do was get everything ready and now it’s going to completely backfire!  I am literally screaming at this point.  Not crying but yelling at the top of my lungs, and of course my husband is trying to speak logically to me, and I just yell at him that I don’t want fucking logic, I want my teeth to be OK and not ruin everything!  Eventually I just told him that he needed to leave the room.  I am laughing thinking about it now, but I don’t know where this comes from, I am not a dramatic person typically!  And there are multiple other meltdowns like this – luckily at work I just keep everything inside my inner monologue but really, I should not be around people right now.  I have a follow up dentist appointment on Friday, hoping that the pain is normal or nothing like an infection and has no impact on the transfer.  If it is a bigger issue than I will literally lose my shit and I apologize in advance for anyone anywhere near me.

We are at 14 days and counting to the transfer.  Work is really awful right now, tons of planning for the next year and just overall stress and lots of executive meetings.  Every day I basically have the mantra of just getting through the day and getting out of August.  Not sure that work will magically get better in September, but I am taking the transfer week off, so if it’s not better at least there is not much I will be able to do about it, this is more important.  And my new boss doesn’t know what I’m going through – I’m up for a big promotion and didn’t want that even subconsciously being in his mind.  I just wish I could have gotten through September with my old boss – he knows everything and I can talk openly about wanting to kill people as well as getting some slack with everything going on.  So yeah, stress, at least I don’t believe in the ‘relax’ theory, but I do wish my life was a bit less hectic right now.  Oh and at a meeting this morning the woman next to me mistook me for someone else and asked me how my maternity leave and new baby was!  Luckily that was not a moment of rage and I was in my other mode of uninterested / not giving a shit so I just laughed and said I think you are thinking of someone else.  

On Sunday we are DRIVING to Denver.  Yes, driving.  This may turn out to be an awful idea, my poor husband being stuck in a car with me for 20 hours.  We’re driving because I want to be at CCRM for them to monitor me and I don’t want to have to ask someone to take care of our dog for that long (and I feel like having him with me on bed rest will be a comfort) and my husband wants to be there with me for the whole time.  Which is very sweet of him, but with all my cray cray I think it might have been better for my sanity for me to just go and him join me before the transfer, but I can’t say that to him without hurting his feelings, so there we are.  We’ll see if he regrets it after we do the drive together with me being insane.  I have my first lining check and blood draw tomorrow at the clinic I don’t love here in Seattle, and if we get the all clear, I want CCRM doing the next one and everything up to the transfer, similar to what we did with the retrieval.  Obviously this is made easier since I have family in Denver, and between family and lovely friends (my mom’s place is too small for the husband, large dog, me and mom to be there all at once so one of her friends is out of town while we are there and has offered her condo), definitely makes it easier than a hotel for 12-14 days.  

So that’s it for now.  Will post a short update after my appointment tomorrow with the latest.  Before I go I wanted to ask a favor of all of you ladies out there.  A wonderful, kind, and amazing woman that I met through this blog and then at CCRM (we’ll call her M) has her beta tomorrow.  She has had some very bad luck with her donor egg experience and is not feeling so hopeful for tomorrow, and I’m hoping with all of my heart that she gets some amazing news at her beta.  If you could send positive vibes, juju, prayers or just keep her in your heart tomorrow I would greatly appreciate it.  M – if you’re reading this I’m thinking of you and hoping and sending all the positive energy that I have your way.  

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12 thoughts on “Lupron + Estrogen = me being bat shit cray cray

  1. Come on M, pulling for you! And you too, bat shit crazy lady. I so hear you. I made someone cry at work today. It was not a good day. My message was justified, my tone was probably a little ragey…alright a lot ragey. Hang in there and good luck on the drive. Ugh, makes me cringe just thinking about it (aren’t I totes helpful?). 🙂

    • You are totes helpful! Sorry we are both ragey evil bitches right now, I haven’t made anyone cry yet but have a feeling that will happen any day now. And I am cringing about the drive too, cannot believe it is happening in a few days. If I could drink all of this would be sooo much better.

  2. The past week I have been wondering whether to go to the dentist in a similar pre-transfer mood. Thank you for helping to make up my mind. Me freaking out is exactly why I wasn’t sure to go..
    Don’t worry about your husband. It’s they job to deal with out insanity.
    Don’t feel guilty about your crazy feelings. It’s the meds and it’s better to let them out.. I go nuts too at times. Hormones are just awful! Big hug lovely. x

    • Thanks lady, the dentist did end up working out, just some leftover sensitivity, no infection or anything luckily. But the added freakout probably didn’t help anything. Luckily the insanity seems to be getting a little bit better, maybe the estrogen is now countering the Lupron.

  3. Hang in there hon, just another 2 weeks to go. Praying all is just fine at your dentist appt tomorrow, and that you survive work and that drive!

    Also sending prayers for M. Hugs to you both!

  4. Fingers crossed for you! I have not been on Lupron but had Buserelin as a suppression med, that made me INSANE, like a total angry old lady. NOT FUN.

    • Yes, INSANE really is the word for it! So sorry that your transfer didn’t work, have been thinking about you and your rockstar of a SIL lately and have my fingers crossed for the next round.

  5. Thank you all for your well wishes and positive thoughts! Unfortunately, I am not pregnant. I really wish this donor egg cycle wasn’t a complete train wreck, but I am trying to move on and figure out what I am going to do next. Good luck to everyone! I hope we all get our rainbow babies as soon as possible!

  6. The rage is so frustrating because not only do you have to feel that, but you feel out of control, not yourself, and then you feel guilty for feeling and reacting the way you do! It’s SUCH BULLSHIT. I had to remind the husband like, daily, that the whoremones were making me a bitch and he had to be more forgiving than usual, more patient, and had to react with “I’m sorry you feel crappy” instead of the choice words I’m sure he wanted to say. OH WHAT FUN.

    Now I want pics of your dog. Quit holding out, lady!! Dog pics!!!!

    • Such fun, and such craziness and rage. Luckily it seems to be getting a bit better (at least enough so that I didn’t lose my shit trapped in a car for 20 hours). And request granted – adorable dog pics delivered!

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