The one where I have a preemptive nervous breakdown

I lost my shit a lot yesterday after the beta call.  And I realize that I don’t have much to lose my shit about at this moment, the number is not great, but it’s not bad, it could have been zero, but somehow the fact that it wasn’t perfect unhinged something in me that I have probably been holding onto for a while now.  Plus the culmination of fact that I had started to get a little excited, and I was expecting to have a good day with a clear result.  And the anger.  I am fucking furious at this disease and the heartbreak and the ‘knowing too much’ that it brings all of us.  We deserve to get a positive test and start thinking of babies and nurseries and names, not all the ways that it can go wrong at each point in the process.  Instead I’ve gone into a tailspin of second guessing everything, down to the fact that my boobs hurt less and I don’t ‘feel’ like I did a few days ago Basically I left work, called my mom, cried, called my best friend, cried some more and then went to acupuncture.  And at acupuncture I proceeded to really lose it.  I think it was being in a room with someone who I don’t have to put on a happy face for was the final straw, when she asked me how the beta was I broke down pretty hysterically and once I started I couldn’t really stop.  We talked about the anger and the fear and the uncertainty and unfairness of all of this.  And she did a treatment to try and calm me and it worked a little bit, but not all the way.  After the treatment she asked if I wanted to talk to a counselor (I go to a natural health place in Seattle that has more than just acupuncture).  And that the counselor had stayed late (it was 6 pm at this point) to sit and talk if I wanted someone to listen.  So I decided that it seemed like a good idea to talk to a professional before going home to my husband.  When I described to her the thoughts I was having she said that it sounded like I was having almost a PTSD like reaction from the results, which rang so true.  I knew at a basic level how much infertility has changed me, but I don’t think I totally realized until last night, how much it has damaged me.  We had a very good hour long session where we talked it out and she helped me to be kinder to myself and acknowledge my emotions while being open to the possibility that this very well could work out positively.  By the time I got home I was spent and ate some yogurt and went to bed. Woke up this morning at around 4:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep so got up and peed on a stick and proceeded to get ready for work.  Was really hoping that it would be clearly darker than the one from the day before, but it’s not.  Here’s the picture – not sure how well you can see it but in real life it is about the same shade as 7dp5dt. photo-3_opt My new hope is that maybe there were two in there, one didn’t make it and this is the remaining one continuing to grow.  That’s something that can happen, right?  I have been having a ton of cramping all morning – not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, it is what it is at this point. Second beta is tomorrow morning at 7:50 am, am hoping with everything that I have that we see the doubling (CCRM said 60% rise) that we need to see happen. Thanks again for all your love, hope and support, it means the world to me and is literally the only thing that is helping me hold onto the small shred of sanity that I have left.

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26 thoughts on “The one where I have a preemptive nervous breakdown

  1. Ugh. I am so sorry that you are faced with this uncertainty. IF sucks and we tend to hold way too much in. I hope that the release was beneficial and I am hoping that your beta is more than doubled tomorrow. Good thoughts coming your way. Take care of yourself.

    • Thank you. I think it was beneficial, although I felt like a crazy person while it was happening, maybe it needed to be released. I appreciate the good thoughts for tomorrow.

  2. The one time I was pregnant, I thought going through “the time of the betas” was the worst. I was so anxious, I couldn’t enjoy anything, I over-analyzed everything. In the end we miscarried, but even that, while infinitely more sad, was easier to deal with than the uncertainty. I hope all turns out well–and that you have a little one or two slowly snuggling in for the long haul. Hang in there. Hugs.

    • I have never been here so I somehow thought it would be magically easier than the rest of this crappy journey has been, I should have known that none of this is easy. I am so sorry about your miscarriage and am rooting for you at the new smaller clinic with this round! Thanks for the hugs and hope as well 🙂

  3. I am so sorry to read about the less-than-desirable beta and about your terrible day. I’m so glad there was someone there for you to talk to, though, and I am hoping with all of my might that you get good news tomorrow. I don’t know what to say… infertility sucks. It is unfair and harsh and heartbreaking and I am so sorry you are going through this and CAN’T YOU CATCH A BREAK?! You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Thank you for the kind words and hope. Infertility does suck, it just sucks so very badly, all of it. Hopefully I get that break with the beta tomorrow 🙂

  4. Hold on! Your number was fine for 9 days and I wouldn’t put a whole lot of stock into the pre strips. After all, they are pee strips and can vary based on water intake! You still have reason to believe that one (or both) are growing well!

    • Thank you for trying to talk some sense into me :). I think it’s more of a control issue and this is the only thing I can do short of somehow drawing my own blood and turning my bathroom into a lab. Thank you for the hope and continued support as well, I appreciate it and love seeing all the baby updates, hoping that the sleep gets better very soon.

  5. Even as someone who has had a beta <1 on her last 3 FETs, I would probably be having a similar reaction. Sorry that there's nothing to do but wait it out until your next test. Watching stupid movies helps me, every time I watch Shaun of the Dead I find something new that makes me laugh. Bridesmaids is also a classic that never fails!

    • Thank you for saying this, I do feel like I am losing my mind a bit (a lot). I am normally very analytical and reasonable, but this whole infertility shit has turned me into a different person at times. Love the stupid movie idea – I am going to eat dinner and then get in bed and do exactly that – now just need to choose between the two!

  6. You are in my thoughts as you wait out this torturous period of uncertainty full of intense emotions. Thank goodness the acupuncture and counseling helped a bit and you have this blogger community to lean on. Hoping the beta tomorrow is strong and clear.

  7. I have seen so many stories I never would have believed in this community, and it’s made me a believer that things happen, GOOD things happen, and they can happen for anyone. This is a POSITIVE beta, and I am singing my sticky embabies song and hoping for a good strong number tomorrow. Someone is there and fighting to stay with you, and I believe in your little one! Keep breathing xx

  8. It’s a bloody tough time, the uncertainty, the waiting, the never ending thoughts running through your head. It’s okay to be crazy at this time, the emotions, the hormones and the waiting are a tough cocktail to bear. I’m convinced that emotions don’t have an impact on success or failure at this point, my dad died on 4dp5dt whilst I was in Thailand away from my family. I had to get home, plan and attend the funeral in the same week I got a positive on the preg test. Moral of the story, let your emotions run free, do what you need to do to get through this time. I’m thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

  9. Oh hon, I’m so sorry your results weren’t more definitive yesterday and that you had such a hard day. I’m beyond frustrated with you that it wasn’t more clear. I am praying so hard for your beta tomorrow.

  10. it is an awful tortuous place to be- all jacked on estrogen and progesterone and hope and fear- a terrible mix no matter what happens.

    I just want to offer that you WILL get thru any and all possible results tomorrow and beyond. you will get thru it, you can handle it, you will survive this. I have been exactly where you are, it sucks so bad… many times, with my own body and then even with a surrogate- the disappointment that looms is soul-crushing. but it is survivable. please don’t lose sight of that fact. when you are going thru hell, keep going, my love… this does not define you.

    I hope you get a swift, clear picture of the situation tomorrow. there is no graceful way of waiting for that call. be gentle with yourself, and do what you need to do to support yourself in any scenario- bad call, good call, etc. make a plan, and give yourself permission to do whatever your need to. pee stick gazing is futile… the beta will tell a better story.

  11. I am sorry you are going through this. I have been somewhere similar, and it is no fun. 😦

    Hoping you get the answers you need soon.

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