The one where I have a preemptive nervous breakdown

I lost my shit a lot yesterday after the beta call.  And I realize that I don’t have much to lose my shit about at this moment, the number is not great, but it’s not bad, it could have been zero, but somehow the fact that it wasn’t perfect unhinged something in me that I have probably been holding onto for a while now.  Plus the culmination of fact that I had started to get a little excited, and I was expecting to have a good day with a clear result.  And the anger.  I am fucking furious at this disease and the heartbreak and the ‘knowing too much’ that it brings all of us.  We deserve to get a positive test and start thinking of babies and nurseries and names, not all the ways that it can go wrong at each point in the process.  Instead I’ve gone into a tailspin of second guessing everything, down to the fact that my boobs hurt less and I don’t ‘feel’ like I did a few days ago Basically I left work, called my mom, cried, called my best friend, cried some more and then went to acupuncture.  And at acupuncture I proceeded to really lose it.  I think it was being in a room with someone who I don’t have to put on a happy face for was the final straw, when she asked me how the beta was I broke down pretty hysterically and once I started I couldn’t really stop.  We talked about the anger and the fear and the uncertainty and unfairness of all of this.  And she did a treatment to try and calm me and it worked a little bit, but not all the way.  After the treatment she asked if I wanted to talk to a counselor (I go to a natural health place in Seattle that has more than just acupuncture).  And that the counselor had stayed late (it was 6 pm at this point) to sit and talk if I wanted someone to listen.  So I decided that it seemed like a good idea to talk to a professional before going home to my husband.  When I described to her the thoughts I was having she said that it sounded like I was having almost a PTSD like reaction from the results, which rang so true.  I knew at a basic level how much infertility has changed me, but I don’t think I totally realized until last night, how much it has damaged me.  We had a very good hour long session where we talked it out and she helped me to be kinder to myself and acknowledge my emotions while being open to the possibility that this very well could work out positively.  By the time I got home I was spent and ate some yogurt and went to bed. Woke up this morning at around 4:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep so got up and peed on a stick and proceeded to get ready for work.  Was really hoping that it would be clearly darker than the one from the day before, but it’s not.  Here’s the picture – not sure how well you can see it but in real life it is about the same shade as 7dp5dt. My new hope is that maybe there were two in there, one didn’t make it and this is the remaining one continuing to grow.  That’s something that can happen, right?  I have been having a ton of cramping all morning – not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, it is what it is at this point. Second beta is tomorrow morning at 7:50 am, am hoping with everything that I have that we see the doubling (CCRM said 60% rise) that we need to see happen. Thanks again for all your love, hope and support, it means the world to me and is literally the only thing that is helping me hold onto the small shred of sanity that I have left.