Sorry for staying away for so long, but I haven’t been feeling super well and I’m pretty exhausted so most days go like this:
Go to work – try to make it through this crazy busy and drama filled work time without falling over, come home, eat, go straight to bed (even if it’s 7 pm). On the weekends I try to recover from the week, we get up, walk the dog, and then I pretty much lay in bed watching college football on Saturday and the NFL on Sunday intermixed with The Gilmore Girls on Netflix.
Because I lack energy and creativity right now here are some updates in the format of bullet points.
- I am 11 weeks 5 days today. From 8 weeks until now time seems to be dragging in the sense that I want to make it to the second trimester as quickly as I can in the hopes that we will have crossed yet another hurdle towards making it to having a real live baby. And at the same time it’s going by very fast, I still have days where I am in shock that I am pregnant and have to remind myself that this is actually happening.
- I ‘graduated’ from CCRM and stopped all my meds, including the PIO (yay!) and baby aspirin about a week ago. It was surreal knowing that I wouldn’t talk to my nurse there anymore and that I am now on my own like the normals would be. Luckily my OB knows my history and seems happy to talk to me about any fears, concerns or requests that I may have. I did think it was weird that they didn’t want to test my progesterone or estrogen after going off the drugs, but they said that since my placenta is taking over the tests wouldn’t provide anything helpful. So here I am – just on prenatals, DHA and vitamin D – it is so crazy to only be on a couple of pills a day after almost a year of supplements, hormones, patches, pills and shots.
- I purchased a doppler – the sonoline c. The first time using it took me quite a few tries but I eventually was able to find her. My tip for anyone else out there with a doppler and early pregnancy is to go way lower than the bloat – like almost into your pubic hair low. So far I mostly just use it once or twice a week to find the heartbeat and get a little reassurance – since I can’t always find her super clearly the actual heart rate doesn’t seem to be totally correct, but I don’t obsess over that, it’s more just hearing that super fast heartbeat that makes me feel better.
- Oh, the bloat, and oh the constipation. This level of constipation is no fucking joke. I have gotten to the point where I will try just about anything for relief, including tons of terrible prune juice (seriously, yuck), kiwis and this magic concoction that my acupuncturist gave me that I’m putting in my morning smoothie. The past couple of days it has gotten a little bit better, so I’m hoping that is a sign that it will continue to improve.
- The bloat must be so ridiculous that I am starting to show. Zero of my pants fit without the bella band and I’m running out of large sweaters to hide it. Thinking maybe after the NT scan I might go public to my boss and work so that I don’t have to feel like I am weirdly hiding something that I feel so happy about. And it will be nice to help explain why I have been working from home so much.
- My morning sickness aka terrible hangover feeling seemed to be at its worst over the past weekend. I literally spent most of Saturday and Sunday in bed moaning at my poor husband, who couldn’t do much for me. I still haven’t actually thrown up but I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I would feel better if I did.
- I did the Maternit21 test on Friday to confirm the embryo genetic testing and the sex of the baby, should get the results back in about 2 weeks. In general I feel pretty good about it since we did the genetic testing, but there is always the little voice in the back of my mind that is scared about the 5% chance that it could be wrong – we’ve been in the 5% at other times through this journey so it does make me a little bit nervous. I try to ignore that feeling and just go with the fact that we have made it this far.
- The NT scan is tomorrow morning! Figure I will use my trusty doppler right before so that I have some confidence going into it, will let you know how it goes.
- We are happy. It is a strange and wonderful feeling to not have all of the stress and fear and sadness of infertility as a constant companion. I almost feel like more of myself again, the me before the last 3 years of struggle, but with some changes, I think for the better. I am more open about my personal struggles in the hope that my experience may be able to help someone else, even if in a tiny way. Before this the thought of sharing my most personal struggles and lowest moments on the internet would never cross my mind and now this space and the relationships I have built here are as important as people I know in the real world. I am more empathetic towards others as I now know from experience that you never know what someone else is going through. And I am so very, very thankful to be where we are today, I think that we will be more patient and appreciative parents due to this struggle. That’s not to say that I would want to go through this again if given the choice, but it’s at least given me some clarity into what is truly important and the person I want to be.
That’s it for now, headed into another meeting – will let you guys know how the NT and the other testing goes!